Two nights ago, Jake and finished combining our offices (trying to spend more work time with each other). Then it was movie time. When we were headed upstairs to go to bed he said, “where is your MRI tomorrow?” You would have thought that I would remember something like that especially because we had already been talking about it a month ago, the week before, and the day before….but, I still managed to TOTALLY forget. My heart sunk, a little panic set in and I didn’t know which way was up. I managed to calm myself down enough to go to sleep. When I woke up, I felt pretty numb. There were still no emotions (or too many) to feel. We got the kids off to school and Jake and Jamie took me to my appointment. I expressed a few fears to Jake and then it was into the tube of meditation. You see I have to use all my meditation skills to get me through my 2 hour MRI’s where, in some parts, I am not allowed to swallow (when they are getting pictures of my cervical area). When someone tells you, “not to swallow for this next series, guess what your mind hears”….”you WANT to swallow right now, but you can’t”:) I got through it all, no sweat. But I didn’t expect what the rest of the day held for me. I was a mess inside ALL day. I called all my go-too callers (family) and expressed a few emotions about my morning, but it was conversation as usual. I still couldn’t pin point it. Then Jake called out of nowhere and in an instant, I knew I wanted him to talk about “how shitty the morning must have been and was I holding up o.k.?” He couldn’t have known from my happy face that I put on all morning that that is what I needed, so he asked me to run an errand for him:( Well, let me tell you that when I finally put a finger on all the emotions that had been brewing all day, they came flowing, like the River of Capestrano! Even though my rational mind tells me that there is nothing to get worked up about, the human side of me says, “throw a big ol’ fit!” Like the rock embedded in this branch, my fears are sometimes just as strong as the first day of diagnoses.
I was sad that I was going to have to get MRI’s throughout my life. I was angry that I had all sorts of fears. I was frustrated that no one else that I talked to yesterday had to deal with what I deal with daily. I was isolated and made myself feel lonely. I was relieved that on the pain scale of 0-10 that I was able to mark a ‘0′…then I got pissed that I didn’t have any pain and yet, I am suppose to have this horrible disease that everyone shutters when the name is spoken. I am tired of “looking good” in a surprising way. I am exhausted over the diet. My feelings are completely crushed that I may not be a candidate for a study that could get me the diet training that I desperately need (only if this MRI shows that I am getting worse). And I am tired of thinking about those 3 little stupid letters in the alphabet that create such a big BUZZ! And I am ashamed that I have these “normal” thoughts. Ashamed because I don’t want them, as ‘normal’ as they are. THERE…I feel better. How’s that for a positive, sparkle and shine, attitude;)
After a day like yesterday, I am reminded that there is so much more room to grow. I know I’m not suppose to have it all figured out in one year. And I truly feel like it is the biggest blessing in my life. I am thankful that I was able to have a processing day and that I had the skills to not let it spiral. I am thankful that I am able to start the day fresh this morning. Thankful that I am writing about the emotions instead of trying to figure them out or burying them. Thankful that I was able to call a friend on the way to volleyball and then proceed to get the MVP of the game (self-granted, of course). Thank you all that listened yesterday and for not trying to fix the problem. Today is a new day….I think I’ll go ahead an get out of my own way:)
Did anyone see the addiction dance on last season of So You Think You Can Dance? It was choreographed to the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. The song just came on and I am TOTALLY caught off guard by the rush of tears! This song just seems to sum up my relationship with MS right now! You should go Google the dance and shed a little tear with me today. It is SO beautiful and I am sure that many of us can relate to it in some way.
