Yesterday was a day of all days. You know when you have those off days when you are just a little sad, lonely and frustrated and you don’t even know what you’re upset about? Well, that was two days ago. It started because Jake had to travel to Tacoma. So I stayed home and pouted all day until I didn’t even know what I was pouting about. Fast forward past all the sadness and silliness….yesterday…a day of clarity! Just like any of you that have been depressed at any point in your life…you know that it is usually because you are having a hard time moving forward on a decision. Or worrying about something and everything until you have pushed yourself into a state of paralysis. Once your soul has experienced this, it has a VERY good memory for that state of mind. So the slightest triggers can set that old record back on the player in your head before you know what hit you. But usually when you take that first step out of the mess, you feel invigorated, inspired, and have more clarity than you have had for a while.
I tried not to identify or process the day too much. I knew there were two things going on. One, was that I physically can feel when Jake’s heart is beating far away from mine (sounds crazy I know). The other is routine. If anyone knows me, I am not usually described as being a scheduled or routine person. With that being said, there are a couple times in the day that I absolutely live for….the kids coming home from school. The second is that 5:30 mark in the day. The moment that Jake walks through the door and I can hear the kids and dog going crazy with squeals:) When I got it in my head that that wasn’t going to happen, I started to feel lonely. It triggered me into that sad state of mind and there were no distractions that could take me out of it. At one point in the night I was making cookies for the kids and Tré was about to say something to me and he stopped mid-sentence and cocked his head. He says” Mom….can I give you a hug.” My shoulders dropped. The tension left my face and I felt like a little kid begging for the moment. I said, “Yes, I think that is exactly what I need Bud.” So we sat in the kitchen hugging and he yells to Jalena….”Jalena, look. Me and Mom are hugging for no reason”:) You’d think that would be a good distraction, and it was, it just didn’t stick long because it was fighting against a stronger emotion.
I know that I have mentioned it on here before or I have told you in person….but I always suggest to my friends to find a safe place in people around them to try a new ‘you’ out with. I ask couples if they are just that for their spouse or are they the ones going…’what are you doing trying that out, you hate that and you aren’t good at it.’ Well, Jake is my safe place. He has shown me how to be gentle with myself. He has created an environment where I feel like I can never fail as long as I am being true to me. He is one of the greatest teachers in my life…..
It dawns on me that he has taught me how to ignite the most crucial tool that I have been missing. I feel like I have found my super power…wanna know what it is?
It’s ME! So simple right! Why couldn’t I see it before? ‘I’ am my own safe place! I have all the tools to be whoever it is that I want to be. I have the knowledge of knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and I am perfect just the way I am. Jake has helped me to see that I am the only one holding myself back from my dreams. And he does this all with minimal words;) he just sits back and waits for me to figure it out;) He was born with a comfort in his own skin and it would appear that he never learned how to speak down to himself. He doesn’t dwell on fear or worry and he has never used the word panicked to describe a feeling that he has ever experienced. I learned from the master….my master. I attracted that special person that carried all the right tools that I needed to gather on my journey through life to be all that I am suppose to be. He is my Yoda and I am the young Padiwan:) Amazing he is:)
So what advice would I give about the safe place now…be patient, be kind, be open, be gentle and just love yourself in new ways that you didn’t think were possible. You are the one that is holding yourself back from your own expectations. Find a mate that makes you want to be a better person…and then be the person that you want to be without stipulations and without all the damning thoughts that hold you back. My new voice in my head is saying things like…I can be a writer. I can be a dancer, a singer. I can be in love with myself:) It took me 35 years to really understand what self-love is. I have always liked myself and if asked, of course I would have answered that I love myself (with a sheepish giggle). But I have started to talk like I love myself at all times. This is going to take some years to master, but man, am I off to an exciting start!
This a picture that I will leave you with. The first shots and the below shot are from my dear friend Jesh de Rox. He asked me to think of everything that Jake has been to me this past year. To think of every amazing thought that I could muster about him. To think of all that I have learned from him. Then I was to paint that love onto his lens. The tears were too strong to hold back. I look at this picture now and I feel like my eyes are telling me the story that I am now ready to learn from.
I am in a safe place.
I love me and I forgive me. It was ok that I was scared, but now I have the tools to carry myself out of that state.
It’s ok to have moments of being overwhelmed, but just like his arms being around you, making you feel safe, I will be there for you as well.
You are an amazing person. Your beauty is radiating and you are attracting all the necessities that you need to be great.
Will you show me who you are.
I want to know you.
I want to love you.
I am so proud of you and I know that there is a scared little girl inside you still…but you are stronger than you know.
You’re fearless now….just be in this moment and know that you are exactly who you were meant to be, in the place that you are.