Wow…you look amazing! What are you doing?
You’re glowing.
Whatever you’re doing, it’s working.
You seem to have an aura about you.
Your smile is contagious.
You’re not handling this the way most would.
I want to do what you’re doing….
This sure beats the comments almost 2 years ago. I don’t think I have heard the words, “I’m sorry” when referring to the MS diagnoses for at least a year. That is just awesome! This has been a year filled with meeting incredible people, strengthening my faith (trusting myself…not going to church more;), keeping priorities in check and continuing to gain perspective, LOTS of books and education, healing and above all…GRATITUDE! How did I get so lucky to get such a wake-up call at the ripe age of 34?

Many people always want to know what I am doing with diet, healing, exercise, etc. I have learned over the years that we are all looking for the quick fix and the special pill to take. I could list everything I do…but how do you know that it would work for you? You would just get on my path and realize that it doesn’t suit you at all. I have been hesitant to define anything on my path that is “working” because I want to keep being mindful, continue to grow and keep the curiosity alive. I’m not looking for a “cure”. This was a di-ease in my body that was trying to get my attention. I know a bigger secret that takes all the fear away from those two little letters (MS…which is just a way for us to define it to try to understand it and label it). I know that in order to grow from life you have to be curious enough to let it in and wonder about it. That secret I was talking about…is that my body can heal itself. There is no one on this planet that can convince me otherwise. I carried 3 miracles in my womb with a meassage directly from above that says…”if you can create 3 human beings, you can do anything, your body is amazing and so complex…you will never fully understand it’s capabilities”. I know my body can heal up from all the damage I have caused it by being numb for so many years.

With that being said….I have had MANY different pawns on my chess board of life, at any given time. You know that I have been on Mona Vie, special diets, supplements galore, and the list goes on. I was sitting with Jake one day and we were discussing just this. I had been journalling on the subject all week and it all boiled down to the “one truth” as I called it. I know that no matter what path I am on and how many different pawns are helping, none of it will matter if I don’t believe in it. Thy pawns will come and go, but one this will always remain the same, me. It’s knowing that everything is in my life for a reason. It is listening to that voice inside me that knows what is right. It’s a faith in myself that I never knew I was looking for. A love for myself that I didn’t know I craved. My “one truth”.

I have spent a lot of time, reading, and processing with anyone that will listen on what this “one truth’ is. So it is no surprise that when I met my friend Susan at her store (The fossil Cartel), I trusted that the sandpaper effect was something I was suppose to go towards;) So I invited her to tea. Of course we hit it off and talked for at least 2 hours about everything under the sun until passion was overflowing from our souls! Then she buzz kills me and says something about a supplemental drink….screech…STOP…the wall goes up. I know all about MLM companies and I am actually in one right now that recently feel off my chess board. So as she is asking me questions about what I want in life and all those thought provoking questions and I start to shut down towards her…and I realize this…so what did I have to do? I knew that I was suppose to go towards it because it was runbbing me the wrong (right) way. So I tell her that I will go to a meeting with her and asked her the name of it again. She says, “Univera…U.N.I.V.E.R.A….it means……(dramatic pause)……..One Truth!!!” “Shut the Front door” I say to her! Of course it does.

So I check in with what my prayers and desires are at this time….
*To be financially free, so we can start to travel and grow together.
*To work along side Jake and work from home.
(Mind you…we had the potential to do this in Mona Vie as well and we felt like we had missed our boat when we started to realize that we didn’t fit into the community. I wasn’t finding the testimonies and healing community that I was yearning for.)
*Not only did I want to be a part of a wellness community, I wanted a place where I could let go of the MS diagnosis all together and wonder what it would sound like to say I healed.
*I wanted to be an inspiration and be able to talk to LOTS of people about mindful living.
What I didn’t expect was for all these possibilities to come in the form of another MLM company;) But it did…and I am sitting here thinking to myself once again…how did I get so lucky….Well, it’s not luck. It’s awesome. I put it out into the Universe and God is always listening to me:)

So if you are curious about anything that I am doing on my path…be curious about Univera. It is transforming our lives. We are a part of a wellness community that challenges me everyday to be the healthiest, happiest person that I can be. Oh, and I get to actually help people like I have always yearned to. I am making a real difference in people’s lives and kick starting them to be more mindful about their own lives. I will be sharing testimonies as they come in, but for now…this is mine:)

I am able to be happy in my own skin. To look at my body in the mirror and say I love you. To fill the voids that I have created over the years with damaging records that have been skipping over and over.
My symptoms are minimal and I can actually feel my body healing.
The stomacaches are gone and I am starting to finally relate to Dr. Oz’s talks on healthy poops (TMI:) lol
My nails are strong and growing faster then I ever thought possible.
Is it possible that my grey hairs are slowing down and I don’t have to get my hair colored every 3 weeks (I think I am ready to try every 4)?

I am playing volleyball stronger then ever before.
I am more playful with the kids again.
I don’t nap everyday anymore.
I don’t drink tea or coffee everyday anymore! This is HUGE!
And I feel like my smile tells an inspiring story that I yearn to tell the whole world about.
Should I mention that my sex life has taken a turn I didn’t know was needed (dang it…tmi again:) Let’s just say Stella got her groove back:) lol!
This journey has been nothing short of amazing this last year. I feel like it is the beginning of a 5 year cycle and this 5 year plan is going to be the most present and fulfilling years of my life thus far. Go figure my word for the year is Presence!

I love my life and I am so grateful that I am able to share it. Take what you will for your own journey. Enjoy the beautiful ride and begin to trust that inner voice that is your one truth. Your life is unique and that makes you special. Special K signing off;)
Oh and email me anytime you are curious about a product that could possibly (probably) be just what you have been wishing for…Univera

While I was in the village (I guess Kotzebue is too large to call a village, but it is village life to me)…I was overwhelmed by the different lifestyle. Of course it is small…everyone literally knows everyone…white is the minority…the food is a far cry from what ‘I’ would consider healthy (I am pretty sure that the soda companies make billions off of the rural parts of AK alone). With that said, the most beautiful message that I pulled from Kotz was SIMPLICITY. The housing is simple. The options of the day are simple. The life is simple. I put ’simplify on my dream board, but I had no idea that it would come to me like this. Mike and I have been brainstorming on how I can bring my talents in volleyball and photography into the business to help inspire and teach….but for this trip I just wanted to try to tell his story. I didn’t get a lot of him teaching like I would have liked because he just got through a shoulder surgery and was injured when we went up…but I was able to get a lot of his partner, Al’s story as we all adventured together for 2 days.

I am so grateful for this opportunity to go see a new part of Alaska and to capture so many stories that I will carry with my forever. Soon I hope to put another version of the trip that involves the point of view of my sister and I as we tracked down an author-crush of hers. This video below is a long one and it entails a lot of what Challenge Life’s journey is as they go from village to village. Thank you Mike, Lynn, Al, Amy and Edmund for all the memories. I giggle at all the back-stories that a lot of these photos hold as I watch this:)

Mike…because I am a ‘words of affirmation’ kind of girl…I wanted to write a few more words to you:)
I am in awe of your ability to create such an amazing business that gives to so many people. You have spent so much time away from your family and I know that the conditions are usually less than desirable to many people’s standards. I know that you have touched so many people’s lives and that should never go unnoticed. You probably don’t always get to see or hear about how you effect a young child’s life that you took the time to notice and care about. Even if it is 1 out of 50 kids that end up going to college because of your program…that’s a success to that one person. But I see the smiles of the kids faces as you talk to them, or hand them a t-shirt, or just say hi, and that ripple effect is affecting more like ALL 50 kids! They admire you and they look up to you because you ’see’ them. I see you as well, and I am hella proud of you. I just glow when I watch this video because it has so many moments that are forever embedded in my heart as I watched you do what you love. So keep up the hard work, because you are making a difference in this world by just being you. I love you and hope to tell more of your story in the future!

I know I am asking a lot of questions and not giving any answers…where the heck am I going with this:) Well, I just don’t think there is enough talk about healthy marriages and I believe that if you are mindful about your marriage, then you can’t help but be mindful in SO many other aspects of your life. When looking at your relationship, we should have a tool in our bags (maybe a shock collar) to remind us that every time we are quick to say, “he doesn’t do this…he’s this…she’s that…” that we are looking towards the wrong solution. WE ARE THE SOLUTION! And we are the problem. We have to learn to take a step back and see what it is that we are putting into the relationship.What is OUR part?

What if I told you that after watching you interact in your relationship for only 15 minutes, that I could predict with a 98% accuracy whether or not it would end in divorce over the 15 years? O.K. I totally couldn’t with my tools, but Dr. John Gottman could. Yes, this is the same guy that we went to Seattle for a marriage workshop for a few months back. Well, his studies popped up in a book that I am reading called Blink. It got me thinking again about all those people around me that tell me that Jake and I are lucky. Well, if by luck you mean, we don’t talk down to each other EVER…then yes, we have created the luckiest relationship in the world;) Gottman says that the #1 killer of a marriage is the presence of contempt. If he observes on or more partners in the marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single more important sign that a marriage is in trouble.
Contempt….
1 a : the act of despising : the state of mind of one who despises : disdain b : lack of respect or reverence for something
2 : the state of being despised
He also believes that the presence of contempt can also predict how many colds you get…which in turn proves that the stress from these negative emotions breaks down the immune system. That is easy enough for us to understand, right. Well, I instantly think about another angle of this. I don’t have an ounce of contempt in my marriage and yet my immune system has had a breakdown. What if I take a minute to look at my relationship with myself? Holy shit….I have had despise before over the state of my body. I have talked down to myself on regularly scheduled occasions. My lack of respect for myself at times is overwhelming to think about. When I look at my relationship with myself in these terms, it is easy for me to see that I have to be WAY more mindful about loving myself and repairing the damage! Good thing I have recently found new tools to talk to myself which will help in this repairing process. I have the ultimate payoff in my marriage…that Jake and I have created the safest place possible to explore our relationship with ourselves. To be able to strip down to the most vulnerable selves and begin to heal. I know that Jake can’t do any of this hard work for me, but he is quite possibly the #1 coach and cheerleader I could have ever attracted for myself. Thank you Jake for being the Quan! I fall harder and harder for you each day. Because you have shown me an unconditional love in our marriage, you have helped me to fall in love with myself. I am more mindful of the love in my heart for the first time in my life and I am beyond excited about the journey before me. Thank you for being you! Thank me for being me;)

“I watch you and Jake with your kids and see how well behaved they are, how they listen to you both, how they play with each other and can only hope our family ends up like yours. So I am asking for your feedback and input with how you raise your kids. How’d you do it? How do you parent/teach/guide and when and how do you correct bad behavior/poor decisions? What experiences have you had that we can draw from? Obviously we will continue to be the best parents we can be and learn ourselves but it’s always nice to ask for help or advice along the way.”

My response…
“My heart is so FULL from this kind e-mail. I have been thinking about this a lot and I think I have come up with the answer:) For Jake and I it all comes down to our marriage. I am pretty sure that this is the secret to being the best parent that you can be. The more time and effort we put into helping each other grow and loving each other in new ways, the more our kids reflect this love back to us.
I feel like a lot of the times people find their purpose in life and identity when they have children. That’s great…but at some point you are always brought back to the drawing board where you are forced to look beyond that title. Maybe the kids don’t meet your expectations, or they hurt you or each other…whatever. You are then forced to look at yourself and I think the difference comes from what you say to yourself in those moments. They are little individuals with their own amazing lives in front of them and the only thing Jake and I can do is give them tools. How and when they choose to use them will be entirely up to them.
As for disciplining…I think the most important thing that Jake and I have been conscious of is being on the same team! We have never played good cop/bad cop. We back each other up no matter what. Also, we are both quick to say that we are sorry and talk through the wrongs and rights. I always apologize for yelling or having to discipline if I am out of line and lost my patience. We are pretty stern with our kids and a lot of the time I feel like we are literally side by side correcting behavior. I don’ think that the details of ‘how’ we parent are as important as the overall big picture. LOVE. We focus on the good and build them up every opportunity we have. We are vulnerable in front of them. We are quick to point out our flaws and tell stories of how we screwed up. And we let them FEEL. We try not to tell them that they are wrong in what they feel….but there is usually a better way to handle those feelings.
I don’t know that this answers your question…I think what you want to know is whether or not you’re doing things the ‘right’ way….and of course you are. You are living your life just how you are suppose too. Everything is in your life for a reason. Just don’t lose your ability to grow and to be curious. These two tools may be the most important in your parenting life and your marriage. Change is good…and you can choose to be anyone you want to be at any given time. If you show your family that you support their changes no matter what that may be, they will always support yours!
It means the world to me that you wrote this and I am so proud that you would ask my advice. I don’t feel like I have anything figured out…I am always learning and change has become a welcomed friend. I just know that I don’t just love my family….I am IN love.”

So let’s recap…suggestion #1 from my experiences…FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE. Be that supportive spouse that stays curious about the smallest of changes that your sig. other tries out. If you can find the curiosity in a marriage it will be easy-peesy with parenting. That way when they walk through the door with a new piercing, or tat with their love one’s name on their boob, you are quicker to say, “I see you…tell me about this” rather than “what the hell are you thinking, this isn’t you!”

Suggestion #2…Open arms, open mind, open heart. You have to stay open to change in life if you are craving positive changes and growth. Who’s to say what someone’s potential is or how far they can spread their wings? We don’t like it when people put limitations on us, so why does it come so naturally to that parenting voice in us. Or telling our spouse that their dream is unrealistic. Let them grow into the people that they are meant to be. Only they can know what that looks like and how far they will go!

Suggestion #3… Add a dog into your family:) It brings someone into the mix that you can all discipline together and love together!

Suggestion #4…Desire…a sense of longing or hoping…wish, fancy, fantasy; want, need, exigency. I think there is a ton of room for desire within a family, but it takes a conscious mind and curiosity to crave it. Not to mention, learning how to have hopes and desires without expectations. Dream together. Be vulnerable together. That is the recipe for soulfood within a family!

Suggestion #5…and finally…did I mention…WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE;) Yeah it’s that important in my book.
Drop a love letter in the mail ….thanks for the amazing pic Tré-Baby:)
Jump up on his hip in public…WHO CARES!!! Just learn how to let go together. Help each other to find that courage to be anything you want to be.
Turn date night into a night where you try to find new tools of communication…don’t just consider a movie and dinner, “working on your marriage”. When was the last time you checked in with his/her “favorites” or dreams?
Read a book together.
Show your kids that showing affection never dies. Be the example of a marriage (and happiness) that you want for them one day….no matter what journey they take to get there.
Have friends over one night and actually talk beneath the surface…what are their dreams together? What are their struggles? Why don’t we talk more about marriages as a society when things are going good, instead of focusing on when they go bad. One day we are beyond curious about everything that makes our spouse the person they are, and then the next, we are saying…”yeah, but they have changes!” Well, no shit, they changed. At what point did you stop caring? The curiosity will fade if you don’t have any tools in the communication bag.

By no means do I think that Jake and I have this marriage and parenting thing perfected…or even figured out…but I do know that the journey is a beautiful one that is worth sharing and celebrating. I also know that we are right where we are suppose to be and I am in love with every second of it:)

Take a second to think about something that you are craving in your our marriage….now go give it to your spouse!
Take another second to figure out what that little child in you is craving…now go give it to your child! Tell them why you are proud of them and why you are proud of yourself. Just talk. They want to be seen and heard….and mainstream doesn’t leave a lot of time for either of those simple acts!

The other day we went to Ft. Vancouver with Jamie’s preschool class and it was a blast! They did so well sitting through the explanations, the labels, and the teaching….but to see them hit that open field….WOW! I am fascinated by kids’ ability to live in the moment when they come across such an empty canvas. There was no question as to what they were going to do. They ran, jumped, fell, spun, screamed, laughed and not one of them thought it through first. We got them to sit still for a second while I tried to get a shot of all of them in a line…but then the lesson came….Why are you trying to hold them down…let them be free? “O.K. now jump! 1,2,3…jump.” Of course they weren’t going to be able to do it together:) So I just kept telling them over and over and they painted the most beautiful picture before my very eyes….I call it “Jumping for Joy”. This is what joy looks like to a 5 year old:)

And these pictures were taken in one of the preserved houses in the fort. The first thing I thought of was how much we have complicated so much about our lives. Yes, we have better science now and faster ways of doing things and everything is so far advanced….but there is just something in me that craves simplicity right now. My medicine cabinet is starting to look a lot more like this instead of little brown bottles that have Mr. Yucks all over them.

And I hope that my kitchen continues to get more and more simplified as I weed through new thought patterns about what real food is and what our bodies crave. Keeping out the boxes of processed habits, and bringing in more glass containers that hold true nourishment for my healthy body! The kitchen tools that I have accumulated and love however, will not be looking more like the kitchens of the 1800’s;) I love my Pampered chef items and my electric stove. I’ll save the brick ovens for the pizzerias is the area.

I can’t believe I have never been to the Fort until now! There were so many pic opportunities, my mind was on overload! Oh, and the kids had a blast too;)

And you know we just had to see a heart appear on such a wonderful day filled with love. Jamie wanted to make sure that I was getting it in the shot….yep, I got it Jame:) lol

Speaking of wetting my pants… I told Jamie to show the girls what you are suppose to do in a outhouse that they were turning into a girls fort vs. a boys fort. Apparently, they had never been in one…but, Jame was all over it! He even got into the ‘Thinker’ pose and taught some boys how to execute the look once they came into the boy’s side:)

I’d say all in all, it was a perfectly, perfect day that I LOVED spending with my little man!

Now go find a field and just run. Run if its sunny. Run if it’s rainy….just go run and throw your hands up in the air and laugh. Just see what happens….I’m guessing you’ll find JOY in the simple excercise!

I just got done reading another amazing book…”The Essential Laws of Fearless Living” by Guy Finley
I wanted to share a few quotes and thoughts this fine morning.

Remembering the truth of yourself…”Each effort will reward you with the growing realization that any time you start to feel miserable it’s only because you have mistakenly identified with who and what you are not.”
I know that just about everyone reading this can identify. We fill our days with labeling everything in site and creating expectation after expectation. Once we label something, the curiosity is then gone. Once we create an expectation, we set the stage for possible disappointment. The greatest tool I have gained to help with both of these learned behaviors is LIVING IN THE MOMENT.

“What is condemned is concealed; what is concealed never heals.”
Without my vulnerability this year, I wouldn’t have been able to heal so rapidly!

“Always remember that any thought or feeling that arrives tells you…compelling you…to hurry up and climb aboard its solution has come for only one reason: to carry you away from the Light within yourself that knows you have nothing to run from….ever.”
I love everything about this quote and this chapter on Taking Conscious Command of Yourself..it blew me away! I know that at any given moment there are always going to be many Pawns on my Chessboard that are in my life at them moment because I find them to be helpful in the healing (awakening) process. It could be a wise person, a supplemental drink, acupuncture, yoga, chiropractic care or meditation. Some of these ‘pawns’ may turn into horses and bishops and even queens. But the only way that any of these pieces that I have drawn into my life are going to help me is if I believe. I know now that there is something so strong within me that is healing me without the aid of any of these amazing tools. That is the “One Truth”…it’s me. God gave me this amazing body that was meant to heal. There is nothing on this planet that I don’t believe the body can heal…if we can just get our minds out of the way…or at least on board the healing train rather then the fear train.

“Whenever we find ourselves feeling like a powerless captive of some condition, it’s because we grabbed on to the false power of worry, fear, anger, self-loathing, self-pity to lend us strength…..Real power is knowing we already possess everything we need to succeed in the moment, as we would wish it.” WOW!!!!! I know that everything (and everyone) that comes to me is for the good of me. I know that everyone that comes into my life has a gift and if I choose to receive it, it will help shed light on a beautiful piece of who I am. I would encourage everyone of you to explore those possible feelings of uneasiness as you read any of this….ask why it is rubbing you the wrong way? Be curious to why you don’t feel like you are in control of every aspect of your life (even the out of control parts:).

Why is it that we aren’t able to see our reflection in everyone that we attract into our lives? I have an interesting task for you to try out that Guy created. He calls it the “You-I Maneuver” and I call it the “Sandpaper Effect”. You know that feeling when someone in your life rubs you the wrong way. When we are around people and we have a negative reaction to them for whatever the reason. Guy refers to it as feeling the need to tolerate someone and he says that this feeling could not reside in us unless something in us did not want to be around someone ‘like that’.” What would it look like to see a piece of you in this person being reflected back to you? What if you were to write out a list of things that this person is, that is so different from you…and then you flipped it to yourself…
you are stubborn……I am stubborn
you are a creature of habit….I can relate to your need for habit, because sometimes I crave it too.
You are superficial and all you care about is money…..I can be superficial at times and money can be very important to me.

So what would it look like to go towards the things that annoy you about the people that you ‘tolerate’ in your life? Some of these people in my organic garden of a life, have helped me to transform my life. Love your neighbor as yourself has a whole new meaning to me these days with these new tools. I know that there is a beautiful piece of me waiting to be reflected back to me in all people that come into my life. It doesn’t always have to be through conversation or a friendship. And sometimes that person is just in my life to shed some light on things that I have tolerated in myself for so long:)

I will leave you with this food for thought for all those out there that may think that I have “too many friends (how is that possible) or that I have gone on one too many tea dates;)
“Just as the wind moves through a tree and carries its pollen to the blossoms of another tree, our relationships are intended to help “pollinate” the soul so that true understandings of why we are here on Earth can flower within it.” My soul is on fire from all the amazing people in my life and I am so thankful for everyone reading this:) I am beyond thankful for my immediate family (Jake, the kids, Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sisters, nieces and nephews, Cousins, etc) and I so gracious for my extended family…all of you…my friends!

“Faith is a state of openness or trust. To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. And the attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging to belief, of holding on. In other words, a person who is fanatic in matters of religion, and clings to certain ideas about the nature of God and the universe, becomes a person who has no faith at all. Instead they are holding tight. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.”
Alan Watts.

I believe that one of my many prayers in the past century has been to have a stronger faith. As many of you dealing with a disease of any kind may know….once you begin your healing journey, the fork in the road goes from about 4 prongs (paths) to about 400 prongs. There is always a new path in front of me….new diets, new information, new symptoms, new people, new stories of healing, new stories of deterioration, new hope, and the list goes on. Well, I don’t think that I have ever been this AWAKE and conscious in my life. I know that I have a new faith inside me that I can honestly say, that on any given day good or bad, that I am exactly where I am meant to be. This to me is faith. I didn’t find it in the architecture of a church. I didn’t find it in the bible (don’t get me wrong…I know there are a lot of amazing answers in both places). I found it in the one place that God intended for all of us to go….in ME. I know that I am beyond blessed to have this perspective in my life so early. I know that I could have lived my whole life wondering what everyone else is thinking and doing. The way I was living wasn’t matching up to my prayers though….to be a better person, to have a stronger faith, to live a healthier life, to make a difference, to be an inspiration, to follow my instincts, or to be the best person that I could be”. I wasn’t going to find these answers in mainstream.

Remember the Nemo analogy that I refer to? The fast paced jetstream that we are all caught in, trying to climb on other people’s paths, but to no prevail we learn it is too slipper to stay on (the pace is all wrong for you and your family)? Then something (a diagnosis, an alarm of sorts in your body that you have been too busy to approach) shoots you out of the jet stream and you realize how peacefully, quiet it is in this new space. You just drift in silence and look back in at the chaos (mainstream) and know without a doubt that you don’t want to go back to all that. But as you are looking at all these new options in life and hearing your own voice for the first time…You look around wondering (wishing) if there is anyone else out here with you? I know that we all think that we are making conscious decisions all the time. And I wouldn’t say that this isn’t a true statement….I just think that we are more numb as a society then we want to ever admit. We want to follow the norm and fit in. We want to take the pill that fixes it all right now. We want to find someone else’s success story and follow their blueprints rather than adventure on our own. I’m talking about work life, diet, raising our children, or following a faith. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s great to learn from other paths and stories…..I just think that we need to be more conscious about our choices and trusting that we are exactly where we are suppose to be. What would it look like in your own life to be less “mainstream”?
Maybe you take your kids out of one of the 3 activities each that is cutting into family time and numbing your marriage.
Maybe you get off the antidepressants and really take some time to find some tools to heal the familiar pain on the inside for good.
Maybe it’s telling yourself that you will never go on another “diet” because you are changing your lifestyle.
Maybe it’s going on a marriage retreat instead of surrounding yourself with friends and parties where there is nothing but surface talk.
Maybe it’s learning how to say ‘no’ and not over committing to anyone but yourself.
Or getting out of that damn job that takes more from your happiness then it brings in. It’s suffocating your passion and slowly straggling that inner voice inside that has been telling you for years that you are suppose to be doing something different. What the hell are we waiting for! Who gave you the magic, crystal ball that tells you that you are guaranteed another 20 years? What are we all waiting for? I know that excuses make a compelling case….but, would they be so compelling if you were told you only had a couple more years to spend here on this Earth?

What if there is something in us that was specifically placed in front of us to wake us up? What ‘diagnosis are you sitting on…totally ignoring why it is in your life? What kinds of pills are you taking that you have accepted as a way of life. Have you learned to just deal with migraines, hormones, cholesterol, diabetes, MS;). However big or small, what if ‘it’ is in your life to WAKE YOU UP? What if you were never meant to carry it your whole life, or even for a month? What if you KNEW that your body could heal itself and you were the one getting in way? How could you adjust your life to get some balance?
I know that there is some strong science out there to hide behind for many of the diagnosises that we receive, or there are enough people on the internet that you have surrounded yourself with to make it more of the norm. But what would it look like to break out of all those boxes that we try to put ourselves in out of fear? When we say “It’s hereditary” is this the ultimate excuse not to do a thing about it. When we say that “it’s becoming more and more common and I’m actually in the norm”, is this to say that we are still trying to “fit in” in this world of so many unknowns. Because it you sit in the same box for too long..things get stagnant….you stop growing. We were meant to be the best that we can be and there is no ending to that. We don’t ever really reach our goal and say…”yay, I made it, I am officially the best I can be, I think I’ll stop growing now”;)  Just look to nature to see what the lessons are. When we stop growing, we slowly stop living a little more each day. The new experiences stop because there is too much fear that we don’t even recognize anymore. Unwanted growths start clinging on because we aren’t even conscious of our stagnant life.

So take some time to look at things a little closer. Find the bravery inside of you to face your fears that you have gotten all too comfortable in. Find the courage to drop the labels that you no longer want to carry…or at least be curious as to what life would look like if you decided to try a new one on. Sometimes when we follow another’s path we can’t see the hidden dangers that lie ahead on out own. Can you see the hidden spider. He jumped out at my lens a second after I took this shot. I don’t know how comfortable I am with macro come to think of it;)

We all have an amazing strength inside of us that is at our fingertips any time that we need it. It is the most valuable tool that we could ever carry. It’s faith. Having the faith to know that everything is happening for reasons that can only be seen in the bigger picture. Trust that you have the strength to grow from any obstacle that is put in your way. Nature is always defying the odds and working miracles everyday. God has gifted us with valuable tools right in nature to teach us the most. So don’t take my word for it…or your pastors, priests, or whatever….go explore your faith and see what it looks like from the inside out. It doesn’t have to be fully understood or justified, it’s just a feeling inside that you know that everything is going to be ok, that you are not alone, and that you are loved. Sometimes we find just this is a community, a congregation, or whatever. But I know that the faith comes from within.
Today I grateful for the faith that has always be gifted to me, and that I am now consciously growing everyday.
“This is a new day. I am a new me. I think differently. I act differently. Others treat me differently. My new world is a reflection of my new thinking. It is a joy and delight to plant new seeds, for I know these seeds will become my new experiences. All is well in my world.”

“One of the great things is that we do not have to know, is the how. All we need is to be willing. The Universal Intelligence of your subconscious mind will figure out the hows. Every thought you are thinking and the words you are declaring at this moment are creating your future.” Louise L Hay

Are you the type person that wakes up on a rainy day and thinks that it’s going to be a crummy day? At one point in your life you decided that rain wasn’t acceptable weather. Probably because there are more of us out there that think this instead of seeing the beauty in the day. What is you dressed for the day. What is you didn’t curl your hair so you wouldn’t get mad if it got wet. What if you thanked God for the rain that will make everything around you green and alive. What is everyday was paradise with no rain….I think that phrase goes together like Sardines and peanut butter. You see if we got all our wishes, and it didn’t rain for a long time, imagine all the fear that comes with that. Drought sets in and a little more panic and frustration fill the air everyday that it doesn’t rain. Then it finally pours and we are thankful and relieved. Why don’t we live this way in the Northwest. Yes, it rains all the time. Do we have to put all the energy out on FB and in your words that it is a lousy day? “If it is really our belief that rainy days are lousy days, then we will always greet rain with a sinking heart. We will fight the day rather than flow with what is happening in the moment.”

So whether it is raining and wet or cold and amazing….we have to see the beauty in our day if we want to live a beautiful life. We have to find joy and happiness if we want to live a happy and joyous life. Just know that if you are putting frustrated, stressed out thoughts into the universe, then you will continue to attract a frustrating, stressed out life.

I have incredible sight that allows me to see such an incredible anomaly in nature.
I have an incredible mind that allows me to think intelligent thoughts.
I have a beautiful body that carries me through this amazing life.
I have a huge heart that allows me to feel all the love around me to fill my glowing spirit.
Today I am doing a little “spirit dance” inside because I am alive.
Today isn’t just an ordinary day…it’s another phenomenal day that I get to spend with my family.
I am filled with gratitude today and I am blessed to be able to have the words to share it will all you that are reading this!
Make it a great day filled with gratitude and maybe even Heavenly rain;)

Yesterday was a day of all days. You know when you have those off days when you are just a little sad, lonely and frustrated and you don’t even know what you’re upset about? Well, that was two days ago. It started because Jake had to travel to Tacoma. So I stayed home and pouted all day until I didn’t even know what I was pouting about. Fast forward past all the sadness and silliness….yesterday…a day of clarity! Just like any of you that have been depressed at any point in your life…you know that it is usually because you are having a hard time moving forward on a decision.  Or worrying about something and everything until you have pushed yourself into a state of paralysis. Once your soul has experienced this, it has a VERY good memory for that state of mind. So the slightest triggers can set that old record back on the player in your head before you know what hit you. But usually when you take that first step out of the mess, you feel invigorated, inspired, and have more clarity than you have had for a while.

I tried not to identify or process the day too much. I knew there were two things going on. One, was that I physically can feel when Jake’s heart is beating far away from mine (sounds crazy I know). The other is routine. If anyone knows me, I am not usually described as being a scheduled or routine person. With that being said, there are a couple times in the day that I absolutely live for….the kids coming home from school. The second is that 5:30 mark in the day. The moment that Jake walks through the door and I can hear the kids and dog going crazy with squeals:) When I got it in my head that that wasn’t going to happen, I started to feel lonely. It triggered me into that sad state of mind and there were no distractions that could take me out of it. At one point in the night I was making cookies for the kids and Tré was about to say something to me and he stopped mid-sentence and cocked his head. He says” Mom….can I give you a hug.” My shoulders dropped. The tension left my face and I felt like a little kid begging for the moment. I said, “Yes, I think that is exactly what I need Bud.” So we sat in the kitchen hugging and he yells to Jalena….”Jalena, look. Me and Mom are hugging for no reason”:) You’d think that would be a good distraction, and it was, it just didn’t stick long because it was fighting against a stronger emotion.

I know that I have mentioned it on here before or I have told you in person….but I always suggest to my friends to find a safe place in people around them to try a new ‘you’ out with. I ask couples if they are just that for their spouse or are they the ones going…’what are you doing trying that out, you hate that and you aren’t good at it.’ Well, Jake is my safe place. He has shown me how to be gentle with myself. He has created an environment where I feel like I can never fail as long as I am being true to me. He is one of the greatest teachers in my life…..
It dawns on me that he has taught me how to ignite the most crucial tool that I have been missing. I feel like I have found my super power…wanna know what it is?

It’s ME! So simple right! Why couldn’t I see it before? ‘I’ am my own safe place! I have all the tools to be whoever it is that I want to be. I have the knowledge of knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and I am perfect just the way I am. Jake has helped me to see that I am the only one holding myself back from my dreams. And he does this all with minimal words;) he just sits back and waits for me to figure it out;) He was born with a comfort in his own skin and it would appear that he never learned how to speak down to himself. He doesn’t dwell on fear or worry and he has never used the word panicked to describe a feeling that he has ever experienced. I learned from the master….my master. I attracted that special person that carried all the right tools that I needed to gather on my journey through life to be all that I am suppose to be. He is my Yoda and I am the young Padiwan:) Amazing he is:)

So what advice would I give about the safe place now…be patient, be kind, be open, be gentle and just love yourself in new ways that you didn’t think were possible. You are the one that is holding yourself back from your own expectations. Find a mate that makes you want to be a better person…and then be the person that you want to be without stipulations and without all the damning thoughts that hold you back. My new voice in my head is saying things like…I can be a writer. I can be a dancer, a singer. I can be in love with myself:) It took me 35 years to really understand what self-love is. I have always liked myself and if asked, of course I would have answered that I love myself (with a sheepish giggle). But I have started to talk like I love myself at all times. This is going to take some years to master, but man, am I off to an exciting start!

This a picture that I will leave you with. The first shots and the below shot are from my dear friend Jesh de Rox. He asked me to think of everything that Jake has been to me this past year. To think of every amazing thought that I could muster about him. To think of all that I have learned from him. Then I was to paint that love onto his lens. The tears were too strong to hold back. I look at this picture now and I feel like my eyes are telling me the story that I am now ready to learn from.

I am in a safe place.
I love me and I forgive me. It was ok that I was scared, but now I have the tools to carry myself out of that state.
It’s ok to have moments of being overwhelmed, but just like his arms being around you, making you feel safe, I will be there for you as well.
You are an amazing person. Your beauty is radiating and you are attracting all the necessities that you need to be great.
Will you show me who you are.
I want to know you.
I want to love you.
I am so proud of you and I know that there is a scared little girl inside you still…but you are stronger than you know.
You’re fearless now….just be in this moment and know that you are exactly who you were meant to be, in the place that you are.

Love, ME